January 2012
3 posts
7 tags
4 tags
#25
Melancholia: A Review
The credits of Melancholia are currently rolling, and the timer on the Blu-Ray player is at two hours and thirteen minutes. I call my accountant to draw up an invoice for those two hours and thirteen minutes, to be sent directly to Lars Von Trier. I will admit, gentle signori and signore, from the second part of Melancholia onwards I was deliberately forcing the film...
3 tags
#24
Poetic Manifesto
If I were to write poems, they would have to avoid cliché, like all things I feel I must create. There would be no arbitrary line breaks No metaphors about bleeding, no nature No fucking unexpected profanity No gratuitous sex (not a single cunt) No rhyming, or perhaps only rhyming Acrostics would be punishable by death You would not be “thee”, only...
July 2011
1 post
7 tags
#23
The Splinter
I spent last October working at what must no doubt be one of the coolest jobs ever. I was a Scare Actor at Tulley’s Farm in Sussex, during their annual Halloween festival. Started over ten years ago when the farm held an October pumpkin festival, they’ve been steadily adding new features and attractions to it every year until it became one of the finest Halloween events...
May 2011
3 posts
2 tags
#21
The Three Types of Booksellers
Quiet down, please
No talking at the back.
Here we have specimen number one
Of the species Homo litterae
In its female adolescent form.
Note the eyes;
Wide and unblinking
With tones of hope and inquisitiveness.
Of particular interest
Is the manner in which she has adjusted her micro-habitat -
A half-finished double-shot Starbucks caramel macchiato to one side
And...
#20
Doc Ock
It’s while staring in the mirror this morning, drying my hair and singing Try A Little Tenderness in a piercing countertenor, that I’m struck by how much I really do resemble Alfred Molina. It’s in the fine details; the thin nose in the middle of a wide, oval face, the deposits of fat under the eyes and cheeks, the thick Mediterranean eyebrows, the hair when it’s...
#19
Marlon Farrugia Writes In Third Person
Marlon Farrugia spent too long in bed this morning.
Marlon Farrugia has a habit of waking up far earlier than he needs to be, so this morning he deliberately slept until 11.
Marlon Farrugia just tried to pour tea from a teapot, but the unusual design and limited capacity of the teapot was such that a large amount of tea ended up missing the cup and rolling...
March 2011
1 post
4 tags
#17
That Old Chestnut
Sugarplum trotted into the bar, and thought about what he’d start drinking with tonight. He felt like treating himself to a scotch and soda, maybe; nothing fancy, just a change from his usual pint of beer. But as he glanced up behind the bar, he saw the glimmering black glass of a Hendricks’s bottle, and he couldn’t resist. It had been a hard day at the tracks, and he didn’t feel...
August 2010
1 post
1 tag
May 2010
2 posts
#16
Puppetstein
Since the very beginning, I have had an insatiable fascination with the creations of Henson, Oz and Goelz. Out of mere felt scraps, abandoned clothing and a fistful of feathers the very illusion of life would spring. My father believed their works held no veracity – “You follow these baboons, and yet you pay no credence to Gerry Anderson!” he would scream, his eyes betraying a fury...
3 tags
#15
The Downfall of the YouTube Community
About four years ago, I discovered the growing YouTube community through the vlogs of Miles Dyer, Alex Day and Charlie McDonnell. As I found more and more interesting people on the website, I was staggered at how so many people, regardless of where they physically lived, knew each other and maintained friendships with each other. They had formed a...
January 2010
3 posts
#14
Al-key-hol
I’m not the type to take mind-altering substances. Some mixture of the years of child-targeted propaganda campaigns, fear of vomiting and having lived for some six years with a man who, in retrospect, was an alcoholic has put me rather off the idea. I don’t enjoy the notion of losing control, and I’ve never found myself particularly happy in the company of drunk...
#13
Sentence Openers Which Will Immediately Make People Hate You
“I think you’ll find…”
“Well, you may THINK that, but…”
“Let’s see if we can’t…”
“Mm, of course that was never the case for me…”
“Just like I said at the last PTA/Christian Voice/Klan meeting”
#12
6 Poems About Flowers
Dedicated to Declan
Daffodils
Daffodils, oh daffodils
I find them rather naffodils.
But roses make me spaffodils
Daffodils, oh daffodils.
Daisies
Daisies in the garden,
Daisies on the stairs,
She even weaves the bloody things
Into her bloody hair
Roses
A rose by any other name
Would not be called a rose.
Tulips
To tiptoe through the tulips
Is such...
December 2009
6 posts
#11
Communism
My first run in with communism was at the age of seven, when I invented it. I was sitting at the coffee table, trying to drive a remote control car across a ruler taped to the edge in an effort to recreate a scene from Back to the Future Part III when I was struck by an ingenious idea: What if, right, instead of like everyone having different amounts of money and stuff, everyone just...
#10
Bugger It All
As people go, I’m rather an apathetic one. As I write this, my computer screen has somehow auto-formatted itself into Annoying Giganto-Vision, yet I’ve made no effort to change it. See how apathetic that is? Mmm. I’d much rather sit about watching The Big Bang Theory than go out to the supermarket, despite the fact that there is literally nothing to eat in my...
#9
Perhaps: A Poem
(The following is a poem from the upcoming collection of Mr Farrugia’s poetry, Another Bloody Disappointment.)
Perhaps,
If this poem is beautiful enough,
You can forget the past,
And once again we shall be together,
A unit joined by the heart,
But not literally,
Because that would be creepy.
And perhaps,
If I choose all the words correctly,
And lay it out all...
1 tag
#8
The Erotic Fantasies Of A Cognitive Linguist
June 2nd
Whilst buying onions at the market today, I came across the stall of a charming young woman selling fresh fruits and vegetables. Her blue eyes shone deeply like polished cobalt glass, framed by her golden hair. Instantly, I was in love with her. I attempted to make conversation with her, but found myself stuck for words. “Hello,”...
#7
On My Inevitable Legacy
I’ve noticed that in biographies of people of note, they often portray the person of note’s world-view on things of note by quoting some quotes. So, as I will no doubt one day be biographed, I’ve decided to write some ready-made quotes on things of note, for ease of use.
“I believe the cause of my downfall as a person was making friends.”
...
#6
On Having a Stomach Ache
There are many unanswered questions here on this lump of rock and dwindling interest rates that we call our home. For instance: why is the sun so large? Where did I put my keys? How many Hob Nobs is too many? But indubitably the most important of these is “Why does mankind get stomach aches?” Whatever the answer, it is a fact that cannot be denied that we would be better...
November 2009
3 posts
#5
Some More Thoughts
So it seems that I’ve given up NaNoWriMo, just as the little niggling feeling in the back of my head told me would happen (stupid back of my head). But to make up for being a rubbish NaNoWriter, I’ve decided to do a project I’ve entitled “MarCoDraMo” for the entirety of December where I shall draw a new comic every day and upload them to Tumblr. So...
#4
NaNoWriWoes
It’s the second day of NaNoWriMo, and I’m realising how entirely unworkable my story is. I’ve already started over once, and if I do it again, I’ll need to write 4000 words to catch up. 4000! That’s more words than I think I even know! I really want to at least keep doing WriMo for the full month this year, even if I don’t win.
Writing sucks.
To...
#3
Damn you, Plantronics. Damn you.
On the floor at the end of my bed sits a Plantronics USB Stereo Headset. Whenever I try and plug it into my computer, I am greeted with a “This device has not been recognized” error message. I purchased the headset not one month ago. My laptop sound card is entirely dysfunctional, and I have no methods of getting sound apart from USB headphones. I own...
September 2009
2 posts
#2
The Geekiest Moment I Have Ever Been A Part Of
Gather round as I recount this heart-warming tale, my friends. Picture the scene - a Jonathan Coulton show, from his 2009 UK tour. Paul and Storm open, finishing their set with The Captain’s Wife’s Lament, a song sung entirely in Pirate Voices, which features audience participation. Every person in the audience joins in;
“Give us...
#1
Four score and seven years ago, as I was bunkin’ down after a hard day of freeing slaves, some dark lug with a butt in his yap slammed his way into my White House office and gave me the Broderick. It was a swift affair, and I didn’t get to set my peepers on him before he climbed out the window. I got up from the ground, dusted myself off, and reached for my stovepipe. “I’m...